June 29, 2005

>> Corporate Bullshit Book entries

[ Rant ]

zeldafitzg writes...

"Like, I assume all of you, I am fed up. I have experienced what is probably the most micromanaging boss in the history of life, and I hate her. I hate her, as they say, with the intensity of 1,000 hot buring suns. (I had to write a "daily note" of everthing I did in a day, LIKE A CHILD, not a manager, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.)

My coworkers and I still have nightmares about her, even those who have left. She was a toxic, evil person who made our lives hell and sucked our souls from us. In all seriousness, we are still recovering.

I moved departments in my company, only to encounter a completely different, but equally incompetent and infuriating boss.

The rub: I work for a major company; one that many people want to work for. It is a hell hole. And I grew so frustrated with their talk of empowerment and diversity and respect and "our talent is our greatest resource" that I wrote a book proposal called:

The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit

The idea was to take all of those words/phrases/behavior and say what they REALLY mean, not some buzzword bingo softballing, but the real truth.

and amazingly, I sold it.

so I need your help. I have plenty of bile of my own to spill, but maybe you do, too. if you'd like to contribute, please pass along any words or phrases or horror stories to me.

many thanks. this is one for "the team"

Z"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 28, 2005

>> Our local Cubicle Real Estate business

[ Fools ]

Time-share cubicle Queen writes...

"Yeah, I work for a MAJOR time share-condo- hotel-motel chain doing the computer sales websites, updates... MY contract ended last week, and they just made $4 million off my work, (I pioneered doing the web promos!) in the past year, but...

There are a few of us who are contractors, and really keep our noses to the grindstone. They manage our performance by our results, but, the permies seem to be part of a 'family' of goof-offs!

Meanwhile, some of the full-time guys 'n gals run full-blown businesses out of their cubes! I mean, the fax machine is humming, 10 hours each day, with them standing in line to send out real estate prospectus', and they seem to be getting some sales for their private real estate, although I betcha they aren't doing squat in the time shares they get paid $15 an hour to promote!!

THEY aren't stupid! Following in the footsteps of Dilbert! And our new building is even better than the old building, as the cubes are 7 foot high, so the bossses can't see over them, and there is no 'prarie dogging' whenever someone makes a loud noise!

Funny how the very productive contractors aren't getting full-time positions, and the full-timers aren't doing any work at all! The bosses spend all day at meetings, and their offices are WAAAAAAY down the halls! HAha, that luser outfit NEEDS some management, but, I won't be there to watch the ship sinking... Being over 50, they don't want my expertise, and will hire these Real Estate 'just got out of grad school, but, can't find a real job' wannabes who suck off of them, all day! Bitter? naw, they'll all reap what they sow..."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 27, 2005

>> Boo hoo - I hate you, so go away!

[ Rant ]

Tarbender writes...

"This is a long one, but I'll use paragraphs. I've worked as a bartender in the same bar for 8 years. I worked full-time for years, but now work two nights a week, and have a full-time day job. A new bartender, "Kelly," works two nights. For the past 2 months or so, every Thursday when I come to work, I hear from the manager, the day bartender, my customers, and a few of the servers about another problem Kelly had with this or that customer the night before - and then I read Kelly's page-long poor-me session in the bar log.

Kelly has a slight attitude problem. If she likes you, you're golden; if she hates you, you're screwed. That's fine, but you can't have that kind of an attitude and be in this business. She started out waiting tables in addition to bartending, but management actually had to restrain her when she jumped at a customer one night (why she didn't get fired for that is beyond me). She constantly yells at people and refuses to serve them if they annoy her. She says it's her right to refuse service to anyone. Technically, this is true - but that's a right you use sparingly, and usually only if someone is visibly intoxicated or getting violent.

Some of my nicest customers tell me how rude Kelly's been to them, and that they refuse to come in on her shifts. The other night, she yelled at the regulars for shooting spitballs (immature, I know - but if you let them get it out of their system, it'll stop after 5 minutes, and they clean up the mess), so they left and she had nobody at the bar. She constantly complains that people leave crappy tips - or none at all - but never stops to consider that it just might be because her attitude sucks (these people leave the rest of us great tips). One night, a guy and his wife met for dinner and a few beers. They had separate cars, so the guy paid the tab and tip, and left; the wife finished her beer and left a few minutes later. Kelly ran after the wife and demanded to know why she didn't leave a tip - even though she hadn't bought another beer, and her husband tipped on the tab they both had.

Now, Kelly's asking the management if they can make the people she hates stop coming in! How can you possibly think you have the right to dictate when people can or can't come into a bar?! She's bad for business, and she's just given her two weeks' notice - but the bar manager (who sometimes comes to work so drunk she can't function) wants to keep her on. Why? Because she cuts so many people off!!"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 26, 2005

>> E-Mail Outages

[ Rant ]

Anonymous writes...

My absolute favorite IT nightmare...

I was working at a software development company, and the e-mail server went down. It was down for *2 days* when the IT department came over the loudspeakers and announce:

"E-Mail service has been restored for all users, EXCEPT, those with accounts beginning with the letters A through Z."

I kid you not. Broadcast to the _entire_ company."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 25, 2005

>> Frustrated on a Friday

[ Fools ]

Anonymous writes...

"Some days I feel like I am more frustrated at one particular coworker than other days. And on those days, any little thing she does will set me off. Today is one of those days. I work in an office where we have 1-year appointments to the position. Gale was hired last year, and should have been finished with her position and working somewhere else. But she couldn't get another job because she hasn't passed or even taken an exam, required in our field, and required by the positions she applied for. Of course, when we told her that, she didn't believe that was why she hadn't been hired. When the director of hiring told her, however, she believed him - funny how that works. Anyway, another position in our office opened up, and she got another one-year appointment (how she got it is another story for another time).

Gale lives about 60 miles from our office. She is 26, doesn't have a driver's license, so she has to take the commuter rail or a commercial railroad carrier to work. Our hours are great - 8:30 to 4:30, and you are only required to work beyond those times if you have a deadline. Our boss made it clear that we are expected to be at work during those hours, exactly; however, she will work with people and their schedules if they have special or unique circumstances that require a little flexibility.

After about a month, we started noticing that Gale came in every day at 9 to 9:30, but always left at 4:30 on the dot. But a coworker who lives on the same street got here every morning at 8, and left at 4:45. I approached the coworker and asked if Gale was on his train, and he said he never saw her. I decided then to check train schedules, and couldn't figure out what train she took from the time she arrived here.

Anyway, a couple weeks after discussing the train with the coworker, Gale was late one day - later than usual. When she arrived, she said that she had missed the train because she missed her mom's daily wakeup call that morning [again, she is 26, and her mother lives in another state - I mean, she can talk to her mother every day, but don't blame being late on not getting your mom's phone call. Set a freakin' alarm!].

Something to add in - I started a year after Gale, but was selected as our supervisor's assistant. Nothing big, I just take the phone calls and divy up work when my boss isn't here. Otherwise, I do everything that all of our department is responsible for. I thought I should approach Gale.

Her excuse for getting here late every day? That our boss allowed one of last year's appointments to come in late two days a week. So, Gale said, she should be allowed to as well. What she did not realize, however, is that the individual who came in late two days a week last year did so because she had to put her 6-year-old daughter on the bus those mornings. And the individual also stayed late on those days by however long she was out. When I pointed that out to Gale, she said that because she does not drive to work, she is bound by the train schedule.

So, I looked up the train schedule. Yes, there are not many from where she lives down here during commuting hours. She can get here by 8, 9, or 11. Also, the earliest train that leaves this area after 4:30 is at 5:15, then 6, then 8:15.

When I went back to Gale, she said that it was "too hard" for her to get up early enough to take the earlier train. And that it was too dark to take the 6 (this was in September, too). But, if her coworkers were so concerned with the time she put in the office, she would do it - but not every day of the week.

Three months went by, and she did come in by 8 at least 2 days a week . . . most weeks. But then my boss approached her and told her she had to be here 8:30 to 4:30, because of a special assignment she had requested and received. Gale told her that there was no train that would get her here on time. Too bad that my boss checked it out and confronted her with the train schedule in hand. Turns out that Gale took the commercial railroad carrier every day - 3 times the cost of the commuter rail - because she found a conducter who will not charge her for the trip. My boss was not happy about this, but just told Gale to try to get here on time and to put in the hours that she said she worked every week on her time card.

Gale's response? Well, this week she moved out of our office into the office of her special assignment. Which she never received approval to do, and our boss did not approve of. Today I figured out why she did that.

I was late to work yesterday because of a dentist appointment. When I walked in the building at 9:15, I saw Gale walking in with her brief case and coffee, but she didn't see me. About 20 minutes later, I walked by our sign-in sheet and saw that she had signed in at 8:00. Then I overheard her special assignment supervisor talking in the elevator, saying that our boss needs Gale from 8-9:30 every morning, so then she works with him from 9:30 to 4:30 - and he was asking for help from 8:30 to 9:30 from a different department in my building.

I just can't believe the gall of Gale. Obviously she is lying to both our boss and her current project supervisor. I could never do such a thing - and I hope she gets caught. It is not my place to say anything to my boss, but next time I see Gale walking in the building at 9:00 or 9:15, I will be sure to make sure she sees me."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 24, 2005

>> There is no policy against it.....

[ Rant ]

Some Guy writes...

"I used to be the Operations Manager for a large Mobile Health System (Ambulance company). OUr company offered many services including paramedics, 911 Basic Life Support (BLS) and non-emergency BLS (Taking people from the hospital to a nursing home or other long term care facility). My story revolves around 2 crews (4 people) who worked on one of our non-emergency BLS contracts with a local hospital.

I received a call one day from an off-duty police officer stating that he had witnessed the 4 people going into a movie theater....in uniform!!! According to police officer (who was in line behind the EMTs), the EMTs talked their way into getting into the movie without paying, and even requested free soda and popcorn.

To be clear, these 4 people were NOT responsible for responding to emergency calls. However, you can probably agree that this did not look good.

After an investigation, the 4 employees were terminated (2 of the were new hires and were still in their 'probatinary period'). My company has a policy of allowing any disciplanary actions to be appealed to the president of the company. These 4 employees did just that.

The employees were instructed that since the incident was still open, they were not allowed to discuss the incident with anyone else, including the others involved. During the meetings with the president, all four had the same argument (which, by the way, the didn't use before they were terminated) was, 'There is no policy agianst it'. They were actually trying to use the absense of a policy forbidding staff from going to the movies while on-duty as a defense for their actions.

After the 4th person mentioned this, the president's reaction was something along the lines of 'There is no policy forbidding you from calling me an ass&%$#, either, but rest assured, if you did, you would get fired'."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 23, 2005

>> The "Family" Business

[ Boss ]

phillyGuy writes...

"As one of the senior managers let go by a Philadelphia area company last year, I just need to vent.

These people have watched their company shrink by over 400 jobs in the past year, to approximately 400 now. (That would be 100 per cent). They have watched a CTO, VP of Sales, VP of Ops, VP of training, three directors, and two I.T. department heads walk out the door, without replacing any of that knowledge or talent.

The reason? Because they have an absolute moron, who happens to be the owner's brother, at the controls. This idiot was in sales for the company for six years and did not produce there, so they made him an SVP of Operations. He had exactly zero days experience in Ops when he got this position. When he royally screwed that up, he was made the head of I.T! Yep, you guessed it, exactly zero experience running an I.T. department.

So, they've kept it all in the family. As that gene pool has only a shallow end, one can only hope that the 100 per cent decline in size happens again in 2005.

You see, inbreeding is NEVER a good idea."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 22, 2005

>> Employee survey

[ Work ]

Anonymous writes...

"During 2004 some folks who manage our company were hearing a lot of complaints from staff. You know, all the normal employees complaints -- crappy bosses, low wages, too much work, etc. -- that lead to the infamous "low morale" label for the work force.

Well, never ones to let the work force down, the bosses decided we needed an employee survey to be sure we got everyone's opinion. They really decided to go all out on this one. They hired a consulting firm and everything and had all submissions mailed to the consult for privacy (even though they asked enough background questions to identify most of the people). They were so excited about the survey, that they made it MANDATORY. Now I'm O.K. with soliciting opinions from the work force, but here in America your opinion should be yours to give or not as you choose.

After this big affair we got exactly what we expected -- not a damn thing. They've never tallied, analyzed or announced the results of the survey. Since its been more than 6 months now, most of the upset workers have just left the company.

They just announced last week that we will be having another mandatory survey to replace the one they did nothing with before."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 21, 2005

>> Use MY phone to contact MY boss? Why? Oh? You don't know?

[ Fools ]

Mr Derp writes...

"I've been at this place for, what, about 10 years I think now. Worked here for about 5. That might give you some kind of clue what type of place it is.

There's only me and a seperate department to deal with IT, only because it doesn't need anyone else technicial. I do the website and anything complicated or Linux, they do all the support and installation. Basically, they're only good at support; its what they're there for.

I left a couple of years ago cos I was fed up of my boss. I used to be *in* that department with *that* boss. I hated it; I almost beat her. It threw me into despair and depression and was off work for 6 months. I got a couple of new jobs, I moved on. I end up back here.

I wasn't very lucky with the new jobs, and I could only get something here - basically because I have very little qualifications in what I do, and no chance of training here. I'm trying to arrange some training myself now (out of my pocket!), but I'm still quite young, and I've got a lot of knowledge. I probably shouldn't have came back.

Fact is, I love this job. Most of the people are great and the workload is stressful moving to empty. I don't particually enjoy it, but it's ok as a job.

Apart from my old boss.

I have nothing to do with her anymore, except she's head of IT (with a qualification in Geology, nothing else.), and I'm a webmaster.

I got this job on the premise that I wouldn't be in the IT department, and that I won't need to see them. But this place needed me; they were practically begging me back for barely any money. Well, I couldn't say no. I was unemployed and desperate for cash. And I like the place. Sounded ok if I didn't need to see my old boss.

I can't stand her. She hates me too; only because she's terrified she'll lose her job. That won't happen, because this place, a school, won't pay her redudancy. She only got the job as she knows my current boss (who's been there for ages; a wonderful guy.)

I get an email from her (my old boss) this morning. She's less than 30 seconds away from me. I'm not surprised. She (J) says:

J: "HI. CAN YOU TEXT ****** ON HIS NUMBER PLS: 07xxx xxxxxx"

This isn't right from the start. I don't have a company mobile, and I'm not using my phone to text my boss if HE wants ME. He has my mobile (which I don't mind). I'm annoyed that I still have no idea what he wants me for; so I reply:

Me: "Are you sure he said to text? Seems unusual; Do he say what he wanted or is this all the information you have?"

J: (20 minutes later): "HE SAID TEXT!!!!!!!"

Umm, I don't like this rudeness so walk off for a smoke. Its not time, but I'm more than tempted to walk out at her being so inconsiderate. I finally reply a few minutes later:

Me: "Do you not have any further information then?"

A reply an hour later:

J: "Suspect he would like to get in touch with you by text"

That has to be the most useless info ever. I didn't text him back. He tried to phone me during my lunchbreak, so I ignored that too; didn't bother to phone whilst I'm working. I suppose that my disturb me.

I'm not sure wherever I should just give up and leave, get them to pay for more training then leave, or leave then get training myself, or tell them SHE needs some management training. Not how to look after rocks. (Sorry to all other legitimate geologists)

But I'm not using MY mobile to TEXT my BOSS when he wants ME.

I feel a whinge coming on tomorrow. Either that or a sulk. I WILL get my revenge!

Thanks for any advice everyone!"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 20, 2005

>> Co-worker is mistreating new employees

[ Fools ]

brewtal writes...

"The evil incarnate is my co-worker (let's call her TOAC, Tyrant of a Co-worker) who's been training two new recruits over the past week.

Since I sit beside her, I have the honour of almost 7 hrs of listening to her training sessions. These new recruits are only 24 yrs old and are very new to the workforce. TOAC started off nice, as usual, during the introductory first 2 days. As training progresses, she's slowly turning into a monster. While she doesn't humiliate them directly, scream at them or call them names, her tone of voice and insinuations make it like they're the stupidest trainees on earth. She'd say things like, "Why did you write that down? Did you hear me say that?" And when she asks them test questions and they're hesitant in replying, she'd say things like "Hullo? Did you hear what I said?"

This isn't her first time training people. She has trained and scared away at least 3 others, 1 of which approached me, with tears in her eyes (and was pregnant), and asked me to be her supervisor instead. I couldn't take it anymore and spoke with my boss about it. My boss is aware of TOAC's behaviour, but has not stopped her from training anyone, though she doesn't intend to place anyone else under TOAC's supervision.

While TOAC treats the rest of us civilly, she has a tendency to act like the boss though she's ranked even below me.

I've thought of 3 options:

1. Talk to my boss about TOAC (but that'd render me a tattle-tale and I don't like telling on others).

2. Talk to her trainees and explain that she doesn't mean to be like that. (TOAC can be an okay friend, but a horrid co-worker.) Advise them to be tough.

3. Talk to TOAC tactfully (and still risk getting my ears blasted off and strain relations).

Any advice or comments you could offer?"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 19, 2005

>> Fire Chiefs are not realtors

[ Boss ]

ChiBurbFirefighter writes...

"I am a firefighter in a three station fire protection district in the suburbs of Chicago. In or around 1994 the Fire Chief (whom I refer to as "the idiot"), and the board of trustees, with great fanfare, announced that we would be building a new headquarters facility that "would carry us into the 21st century and beyond" and that they would do it "without raising taxes". The idea was to begin the building process and then, once the building was finished (this building included a "live fire" training tower that was ATTACHED to the new firehouse, which is a whole other story by itself) the old facility whcih sat on prime frontage of a highway, ideal for commercial development would be sold and we would then mortgage the rest of the cost of the new facility. A 3.9 million dollar monument to "the idiot" himself.

Well, "the idiot" convinced the board of trustees that he could save the fire district thousands of dollars in commsion fees by acting as the sole broker for the real estate deal. The plan was that the property could be sold for a minimum of 1.9 million dollars and the rest of the station cost (see mortgage) would become a line item in the budget each year for the next thirty years.

The first deal fell through after the new station was nearly complete. Then another. And another. You see, "the idiot" really has absolutely NO people skills and managed to piss off neighbors, aldermen and all kinds of other goverment officials. Finally, when it looked as though there was a solid deal to sell the property, the board of trustees gave "the idiot" a $35,000.00 bonus for "saving" the district so much money. Then...you guessed it, the deal fell through. Do you think he gave that money back??? Hell no! "I have another plan!", he exclaimed.

Now I must remind you that each time a deal fell through, a new mortgage was calculated and more $$$ was budgeted for advertising the land, legal fees....the list goes on and on. Well, during this time, "the idiot" purchased a whole new computer system (which to this day doesn't work right), 45 new self contained breathing apparatus, and two new engines at $300,000.00 (which is average for a fire engine) and then ROLLED IT ALL INTO THE THE THIRTY YEAR NOTE!!!!

The computers were outdated before they were shipped, that SCBA's life expectancy is 10-12 years and the engines life expectancy is 7-10 years. Yep, and we'll be paying for it all for THIRTY years.

It gets better. Finally, after nearly 10 years on the market, the property sold. The final tally...2.1 million dollars spent in order to sell the land for 1.9 million dollars. And to think that he got a $35,000.00 dollar bonus. If it wasn't so pathetic and wasn't now causing so much hardship on the guys who on the street answering the bells, it really would be funny. But since the budget is a finite thing with taxing bodies, it truly is sad. The public will soon suffer as a result of "the idiots" misadventures."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 18, 2005

>> Can they unknowingly be that annoying?

[ Rant ]

Stacy writes...

"I work in a large office environment with many different personalities. Sometimes I can't believe that some of these people can exist without someone close to them letting them know how completely annoying they are. For example: There is a man who constantly has to clean up after himself. If he works at a desk, he has to wipe it clean before he leaves the area. There is another woman, who is so afraid of germs that she had to go home when she found out that everything in her bathroom could be contaminated by particles from the toilet floating through the air. We have a gum chewer who snaps their gum extermely loud and often, at the same time claiming that they can't hear that they are doing it, but the same person can hear someone whispering about them 30 feet away. We have a guy who has a different girlfriend who is "the one" every week. And of course, we have the old lady who has worked here for more years than I have been alivem who refuses to retire, and whose sole purpose now is to yell at people for not clocking in correctly. There are so many more, but I am getting annoyed just typing this, so I better leave it with those."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 17, 2005

>> New Email Policy about not using Email

[ Work ]

Anonymous writes...

"Received the following message by email from our boss today! (The irony is great!) Shortly thereafter someone came around to make sure we had all disconnected our email notification with the warning that we had better not reconnect! Unbelieveable!!!

==================

I've asked our IT dept, in due course, to help each of you turn off email notification. That's the annoying message that pops up when a new e mail goes into your box.

We should not be slaves to email, dropping what we are doing to see who has sent us an email. (the novelty of email is over!)

At a recent business conference, it was suggested that email should be checked 4 times daily.

first thing
mid morning
following lunch
a half hour before leaving

Its unfair to what we have planned to do, and what we are doing, to let ourselves be interrupted by every email. Email is a wonderful tool, but it does not have the same priority as telephone. If someone needs to talk to us right now, the phone is the ticket."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 16, 2005

>> Psycho Government Boss

[ Boss ]

No where to turn writes...

"I have worked for a government since 1999. I worked my way up the ladder - starting in my present position April 2002. There are 3 position in my unit - but the senior position was vacant when I started in my midlevel position and I was expected to fill the senior duties (in addition to my own) while the senior position was vacant (no extra $$ - just the headaches). September 2004 the powers that be FINALLY filled the senior position - with someone who moved 5000 KM from our nations capital to our small town.

Started out ok - new hire was charming and seemed like she really wanted to be with us.

But it has turned insane. Twice a week I have been told by her that HER boss (the deputy minister) keeps telling her to fire me. When I ask why - she says he won't tell her why. I have always had glowing performance evaluations and never been reprimanded for ANYTHING. I have over 40 letters of commendation on my personell file from our clients. I asked her point blank if she was going to fire me - to which she replied no.

She doesn't have a clue about the work we do. She lied on her application and in her job interview - for example - one of the conditions of employment is that you need a valid drivers license (we travel a lot) - but she has never driven in her life.

In the past two weeks, I have asked for her direction on certain issues - and she has verbally given them to me. I then acted on her instructions.

So today she tell our admin (whom I have been working with for the past 3 years) that she doesn't know what to do with me as I never tell her what I am working on. The admin gently reminds her that she (the admin) was in the room when I discussed the issues with the boss and that I only did what I was instructed to do - so the boss tells our admin (who is a lovely lady) that if she repeats those words she will be fired immediately..

I wish I drank - it would dull the pain and I would have to stop trying to fix this situation.

Thanks for listening - and any humourous advice would be appreciated. don't mention my union - it don't exist...even though they take $800/year from me

Stay well and keep smiling."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 15, 2005

>> Chair Stealing Maggots

[ Rant ]

DeathLlama writes...

"I used to work for an inbound telemarketing company. There was a atandard of maybe 1 sale in 100 calls coming in. so the the supervisors of the this company come up with a rule that if you dont make a sale within the first two hours of your shift- you get your chair taken away and you have to satnd for the rest of your 6-8 hour shift. After a few days of this the sales still didnt improve so they decided you couldnt go on break or take lunch until youve had a sale. now for most of the agents there this was not a problem. however if its only your 3rd day on the phones theres a little bit of a problem. so for the last period of time there i didnt eat lunch or take a bathroom break. is there something wrong with this?"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 14, 2005

>> Magnets

[ Fools ]

JC writes...

"One of our secretaries just retired, so we gave the other secretary her responsibilities. As with any other company, when she took over the new office, she started to reorganize files, label folders, etc.

We have magnets on our filing cabinets. It is a sales office and the magnets have each salepersons name on it. When the salesman is out with a customer, we move the magnet over and return the magnet to the bottom of the rest of the magnets upon their return.

While reorganizing, she decided she didn't like the magnets where they were, because she needed them in front of her. She attempted to put them on the glass of the window in front of her desk. She asked one of the salesman, "Why aren't they staying up?" When that didn't work she tried sticking them onto her computer monitor. HELLO!!!!!"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 13, 2005

>> Computers - the bane of stupid people's existence

[ Fools ]

I need laughing gas writes...

"My theory is if you can't even turn the computer on, then you shouldn't get to use one. I serve as the unofficial tech person for our division because 1. I can read directions, 2. I know my printer from my scanner, 3. I know how to turn my computer on. I am surrounded by idiots. I wish this were a tale of just one moron, but it is about 3 people.

The first lady is about 55 and as high strung as a cat in a blender. She calls with the following complaint, "I can't print." No problem I think, we all just got new computers with the "fancy" flat panel monitors and new printers. I figure there is a mix up in the process of hooking up the new ones. I walk in and she says, "Rachel, told me to hit print and when I do, nothing happens." Okay, Rachel doesn't usually fall into the moron category so I feel safe thinking that this problem is more than human error. After much fooling around with the computer and crawling on the ground looking for the disconnected wire, I discover the problem when I asked her to "hit print" one more time. Right there in front of me she reaches up and literally hits print on her screen. These are not interactive screens, they are simply flat panels. I see the moment in which I can humiliate her and say no hit harder. So there she is tapping her little heart out on her monitor. I laughed right in her face and explained how to use a mouse.

The second is a young 30 year old who has been around computers her entire working career. She calls in a panic "I have a non-system disc error!" Of course I note the panic and say calmly, "Eject the disc." She starts cursing at me about how I think computers are so simple and that I am stupid and she will get the man down the hall to help her. Of course the man down the hall and I are mortal enemy's because he leads the ignorant brigade in the office. Can you believe it took him 3 hours to fix her problem? The worst part was that she was bragging about how kind he was and when I wouldn't come help her he did. Ahhh, how generous of him to eject her disk. Morons.

Third: My boss gets a new laptop and a docking station including a new flat panel monitor. He calls, "My new monitor isn't hooked up right, it won't turn on." I go down and ignorantly search for a problem. Then it dawns on me, he never turned it on. For some reason he thought the new monitor would immediately power up like his old one. It never dawned on him to push the power button. I left a Post-it-Note shaped like an arrow with the following note: "If this button is not green, you must push it. Green indicates that the monitor is on." Oh, boy did I get in trouble because I once again over simplified the problem."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 12, 2005

>> I'll fly YOU up the flagpole!

[ Work ]

Sarcastic Meddler writes...

"It is wonderful that these are the people that voted for the man that is representing the American People.

I work (between cramming and classes) in a Cafe, with two-three co-workers, depending on how busy we are. One of them is someone who is referred to as 'Frank Burns' for his pleasent, intellectual conversations and delightful similarity in appearance to a wise, beloved character, right down to that smart-looking needle-point snoz.

He was a red-blooded American -- emphasis on the word 'red'. He was graciously forth right about his convictions -- the need for assault weapons to defend himself from the deadly white-tail deers that roam our fair streeting mugging little old ladies for thistle money, and the sancity of divorce, and reality-TV match-ups from two people genuinely in love, even going as far as to break up these horrid public displays of hand-holding! Our hero!

No sir, he will not bent down, he is a man of diginified conviction who refused to believed in the detail, calculating evolution -- for it is not god's plan that humans are to fill themselves with useless facts -- GO Frank! He knows exactly what we poor blue-blooders needed, and he will never give up hope on us that one that we will see the light and abandoned our horrid ways!

In fact, to prove his point, he went above and beyond the call of duty to demostrate god's will, by showing god has made our misguided charities to the heathens hit by god's punishment... disappear!

I think perhaps Frank may have a hand in it -- but, perhaps assisting 'god' is too much for this man -- who prefers that we look to our leader of America for guidance.

Our wonder Frank -- god bless his ferreted nose!"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 11, 2005

>> It Doesn't Matter If It's Impossible

[ Boss ]

Paycheck Slave writes...

"The owner of our company is an older gentleman who is very kind and sweet but not really up to date on the current technology. Sometimes he requests long, drawn out, reams of information because he thinks that will answer his question when in reality, a few pieces of paper is all he needs.

Now for the morons...

For some reason, as nice and sweet as he is, the people that are my superiors are afraid to tell him no, or question what he is asking for. So we will spend DAYS upon days making up reports and getting behind on other work so this nonsense reports can be glanced at and then thrown away to never be asked for again.

So THIS week...we were told to do daily reports that would have required us to spend the whole 8 hours we work everyday until the end of time, therefore ignoring all of the other work we are suppose to do daily. When my boss asked if this was possible, her boss said, "It doesn't matter, it's what he (meaning the big boss) wants done."

EXCUSE ME? IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S POSSIBLE???

So I of course didn't do the reports. It wasn't possible. So a few days later, I was informed that I could abandon the report that I wasn't even doing because they had found a better way to address the information needed. I just nodded my head and laughed inwardly because I may be incredible but even I know the "impossible" can't be done."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 10, 2005

>> Finding Places to Fart in the WorkPlace

[ Work ]

Flatulator writes...

"A Technical Thesis on Workplace Farting: Options Explored

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:

- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors.

I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

Then there's those solitary rides on the elevator. I love to watch the people who enter the elevator I've just exited (and farted in).

There are so many wrinkle-nose expressions. So entertaining.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 09, 2005

>> 2+2=5...You figure this one out.

[ Boss ]

Dr. Madd writes...

"I work at a plastics Injection molding maufacturing plant. We make, among other things, Dryer parts and parts for refrigerators. One day several months back, they had me running a machine that fills plastic in around the screens for dryer lint traps. This is a manual machine, meaning that I have to open the door, put in the screens and close it, then trim off excess material and the like before the mold opens again. We're expected to get seven boxes a night, or thereabouts. Well, They had me running this task for two days.The first day, I ran seven boxes, no problem. The next day- Well, It was two hours before my shift ended, and my supervisor walks over. He ays the Boss-We'll call him Elmer- is upset that my cycle time was slow and as a result our cell's efficiency took a hit. I was in the middle of my eighth box. Now, I ask you- How can I be make less boxes and be more efficient(The day I did seven, no one said anything at all) And make more boxes and be less efficient ( I did eight boxes that day) Something just does not add up. Naturally, I could not make the Supervisor see this glaring disparity in Elmer's math. The cycle time sheet had to be either a gross computer malfunction or an outright fabrication ( Which is what I think it is.)"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 08, 2005

>> My coworkers suck....

[ Work ]

PissedAnalyst writes...

"I have a pet peeve. I have no appreciation for nosy coworkers who spy and tattle. It's unprofessional, and I have a crew that does it. It's time to feed it back I think.

Why is it after years of work, I have co workers that are still spying on me. Waiting for that next screw up so they can get in on the ragging my manager does? She has been on the rampage lately, and needs to get her PMS or Menopause checked out because it's wacked out.

So, some background. I work at a help desk. There is no privacy from those around me. I am stuck in a room with three other people who do nothing but watch and wait....like sharks in the water to catch a glimps of what is on my screen. Then like tattling children they run to the manager who takes it all in, with a smile. Documenting until you piss her off and then it's "whoops, guess what you have been doing wrong over XXX amount of weeks, or months."

Ah, bullshit is what I say.

Then I have a manager who seems to think managing is all about 90% ignorance, 10% paying attention to all this going on and acting like she manages our group.

I am pissed today because I have been written up by ignorance, and the suckups who don't fall very far from the screwed up tree themselves. My manager is sooooo weak and passive, so is the assistant who can't keep her damn mouth shut either. They can all bite me. You would have to understand I've taken this crap for FIVE years. I can't stand it anymore.

I can't help it if I am young, and ambitious. I think this is there problem. Jealousy. I search out education and change, they want things to remain comfortable and laid back. My drive and attitude threateneds the very wires they walk because it's only a matter of time before change happens. Between calm waters, and picking up the pace busting ass.

I say we are way too comfortable. Time to get up and get with it. They want to spy, just watch out. It's time to have their actions bite em in the butt!!! You want pissed, you have even seen me begin to get pissed. I watch and learn, I read the policies and I watch for my time.

I am the person to break the mold and require change. I am the one and the only. I sit, I wait watching they all as well waiting for the little cusses to mess up. Opps, and all of a sudden these people with 15, 25 years in the company are exposed...bringing shame to themselves and their observations of those around them. It sucks to be hyprocritical and find your shit stinks too.

Signed,
Can of Whoop Ass is about to be unleashed. Legally, morally, and ethically."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 07, 2005

>> The Slacker I Work With

[ Fools ]

Bustin' my butt writes...

"ARRRRGGHHH!!!

I work with the laziest, fat, *itch I have ever met!!! I am so tired of turning in my seat to see her surfing the web to find out the weather in GUAM or reading the responses to her Yahoo Personal ad I could puke!!

I have brought her "wonderful" work ethics to the attention of my boss to which she says, "Well her work must be done." Yeah I'm sure it is because the other stupid people I work with do it for her so the boss doesn't get upset!!! Gimme a break!

I left for vacation over Christmas with a promise from my boss that Ms. *itch would be my back up and keep my workload from becoming overwhelming while I was gone. I returned to work Monday to find that she had not done crap!! Her work was hardly done let alone the work she was supposed to be doing to back me up. BUT...I did find on her desk as I was booting up her computer (the server)a 16 page document from the internet on the most popular names for cats!!!! Sixteen friggin' pages!! Not only that but she had gone through and highlighted the ones she liked. Is is not typical office protocol for a coworker to take on another's basic duties while the other is on vacation? Am I wrong in thinking that working is more important the CAT'S NAMES or the weather in a country she will NEVER visit (although I would love to send her on an extended vacation)??? How do I get my boss to see that she is paying this *itch for work that she is not doing. This is a salaried empoloyee paid for 40hrs/week and actually only working about 30 (at the most) between the internet and personal phone calls.

Oh and did I mention our office (a medical office) opens at 9am and she usually strolls in at about 9:30 after we have seen the first 3-4 patients.

I love my job, I love who I work for, but I hate this *itch. Can anyone help me open my boss's eyes to this *itch's detrimental effects on her business. I obviously can't get her fired (not for a lack of trying) but I would at least like the *itch to be reprimanded in some way. I did finally get the boss to talk to her and within a week she was back to surfing again. What can I do??? HELP!!!!"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 06, 2005

>> Stupidity beyond belief!

[ Work ]

Gary J writes...

"Recently I was attending a company holiday party. I went to the rest room after dinner and found a man who was bent over the sink having trouble breathing. I asked if everything was ok and he replied he had something caught in his throat and he was afraid it move and block his breathing. Others were trying to assist him and the Heimlich maneuver was given to the man to try to dislodge the food item. The food item remained we decided to call the paramedics.

I ran to the front desk (it was an inn) and informed the front desk clerk that a man was choking in the bathroom and please call 911. I ran back to the bathroom and informed the man that paramedic were on their way. After about 3 minutes, I exited the bathroom to see if the paramedics had arrived. Instead of seeing the paramedics, I saw the woman (idiot) from the front desk walking down the hall. I asked the woman if the paramedics had said how long it would take them to arrive.

(This is the good part).

She says to me, and I quote " I NEED TO FIND MY MANAGER AND MAKE SURE IT'S OK FOR ME TO CALL FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At that moment the manager arrived, paramedics were then called (by the manager) an the man was taken to the hospital to have the item removed.

Do me a favor, if someone tells you to call 911 because someone is choking (or any other reason for that matter), call 1st and ask questions later......."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 05, 2005

>> University Downsizing and Rehiring Before Gone

[ Rant ]

Anonymous writes...

"I am currently working at a non-profit public university that is so far in debt it will be a miracle if they ever recover. Having said that, they decided that it would be a great 'money saver' to cut half of the support staff from the university. For any of you who have ever worked. period. at all. you should know that cutting half of the already fledgling support staff is just another way to end up in more trouble. Well as a result my position is being cut because of it's misclassification of 'support staff'. When I came on to the university I was hired as an Admin. Assistant. I soon discovered I was to be the Paul of the work place. You know "all things to all people". I have done everything from database managment, to editing, to corporate fund raising event planning, all on a less than poverty level salary because I was promised tuition benefits to finish my Masters Degree. (I already hold a Bachelor of Arts). This company is so stupid that they are hiring people to do the jobs that the outgoing people have been doing AT HIGHER SALARIES! I asked what I could do to get my job back and they said re-apply. They are willing to hire me back AT A HIGHER SALARY than I currently make for the SAME JOB!

Unbelieveable. And the kids wonder why their shower tiles are all falling off and they dont' have shower curtains! Blatant waste.

Not only that but we are constantly having 'team building' exercises that result in us 'support staff' having to read yet another inane book about managment and work ethic and explaining it to the managers who in turn tell us they already practice this.

Is it wrong to stage a picket line protest in front of these kids dorms during orientation?"

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 04, 2005

>> Un-Business As Normal

[ Boss ]

Anonymous writes...

"My superior (I'll call him Ass) decided that he wasn't getting enough free time away from the office when our company implemented a new computerized procurement system. The system required you to actually be in the office to enter and approve your staff's purchases of materials and services.

So Ass decides I am too savy to pass off his responsibilities to me and hires a new person to process all his paperwork. Because of the new person's job description, she does all the work. Now me and another employee (and we both make really good money) sit and do nothing. The new person does everything for Ass.

And since Ass knows that we know what a fuck-off he is, he's afraid to approach us or ask us anything. So we sit on our asses and collect a paycheck. The really disgusting revelation is that our salaries are paid via a tax-like lien charged on the value of real estate properties. I am one of those poor fools paying the lien and supplying this un-productive, flawed money sucking machine."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 03, 2005

>> Young Angry Man

[ Boss ]

Disappointed writes...

"I worked for a company that I loved for five years. I started in sales/marketing before being promoted to the commercial loans department. I hoped that the promotion would be a step in the right direction, but soon learned that it was a step right into the looney bin. It soon became apparent that my direct supervisor, a.k.a young angry man, was in dire need of medication. Just so you don't think I am sour grapes, his nickname was given to him by other people in the department before I came on board. YAM did and said too many crazy things to fit here so I will point out the highlights.

1. Soon after my arrival in the department he said to me "So, I hear you have fake boobs."
2. I went through a divorce last year and things in my life changed a bit as a result (imagine that!). When I told YAM that there were going to be some mornings that I would be a few minutes late because I had to bring my child to school and come back across town to work his reply was "Do you know about how many days a week that will be?" Instead of I'm sorry to hear about your situation or Is there anything I can do to help while you get adjusted to your new life?
3. Whenever I would be in another person's office -- it didn't matter if it was work related or not -- he would walk by several times to see what I was doing. When I got back to my office there would always be an e-mail asking for a status update on projects.
4. I had to write up reports using information from older reports. I would then submit the report to him and would get the report back with notes that read: "Where did you get this bit of information? Maybe I am missing something?" I would then write my own note that read: "I got the information from a previous report that YOU did!"
5. In his defense he did try to become a more "Godly" man. He came in to the office one day and announced to me and HIS direct supervisor that he threw away all of his pornographic magazines and videos. Good for you.
6. When I turned in my resignation he said "I didn't think this job was for you."

What a guy. Complaining to his direct supervisor was like trying to climb a tree with no limbs. I eventually left becuase YAM's supervisor left, taking with him the only buffer between me and the craziness. His advice to me "You and YAM will have to learn to get along." Thanks champ. The absurdity goes all the way to the top."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 02, 2005

>> Coffee (filters), tea or me?

[ Work ]

Maven writes...

"In the early 90s, I was a temp and was assigned to this second party admin company which was to electronically scan thousands (if not millions) of documents which were involved in a huge-ass law suit between two rival chemical companies.

The work was mundane and tedious, but there was good crew of folks who went about their day of scanning these documents. The job was a no-brainer. Any mammal with opposable thumbs could do this job. The problem resided in the conditions by which we had to work.

For starters, alot of the documents came from the R&D departments of both chemical companies. It was not uncommon to cut your finger on glass shards as you dug thru the boxes, which apparently were on the R&D production line or workspace. Glass shards, oddball fabric swatches with dye which would smear off onto your fingers, and at times colored dust, which God help us, we unintentionally inhaled as documents were wrestled from their boxes.

On top of this, the workplace was filthy. Poor ventillation, everyone seemed to get sick, sore throats, horrible coughs. Me, I got an inner ear infection so fierce, I had to go on zithromax for five days and it still did not get rid of it. The entire time I worked there, I couldn't hear out of one ear. The second party admin company could give two shits less about our welfare, and even less whether we had enough TP on hand. The last week I was there, I was reduced to using COFFEE filters to wipe my ass, because that was all that was available.

The pitiful thing was, as you can imagine it being a huge-ass lawsuit involving two major chemical companies, there was a substantial financial settlement at hand, and the admin company was being handsomely compensated for their services, yet they pocketed the profit and were too cheap to even purchase some Dollar Store ONE PLY asswipes for their workers."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled

June 01, 2005

>> My boss is an idiot

[ Boss ]

ABW writes...

"I work for a company that staffs for a large corporation. I started in August and I got along well with my supervisor all of the time. Well she was fired for bullsh.t reasons and was replaced with some broad from one of the offices that supplies us bodies. Well, I got along with the gal while on the phone, but I wasn't so sure about working with her. I was correct. For some REASON they gave her the supervisor's position eventhough she knew NOTHING. But I was being reasonable. I had no prior experience in staffing, and I guess she had. But I knew the customer so much better. Anyway, since taking over I have saved her arse constantly from impending doom in Unemployment. She has called me an "angry black woman" NOT because I was mean to the employees or the client...but because I was very serious about my job and too focused to babysit her. And well if the freakin' shoe fits...if something makes me angry I guess being that I am black, angry and female...WELL DUH!! What would it make me?!?!?! A happy, white, male?!?!?!

She has hoarded even the most menial tasks, she has succeeded in pissing off the payroll from the client, and almost got us fired, she also potentially got us into legal problems. She profiles some of our employees based on how they dress (who doesn't wear big jeans who's 16-25 these days?). She told one gal that I was having illicit conversations outside of work with some guy..we don't even talk outside of work. She is jealous over the slightest things, she didn't call when my son was sick to tell me it would be okay if I stayed home, she had some chic do it.

She hoarded payroll from me because of a mistake I admit, not a big one but this slag is Mrs. Perfect so I let her have it. I would much rather be with my family than slaving over payroll. I extended assistance to her up until right before I walked out the door and she still wouldn't let me. (Mind you this mistake did not result in tragedy). So I left. The next day she was pissed at me for that (freakin' *expletive*) and on the day before a our break, she went off on me for telling a girl she was welcome for the payroll getting done on time. Or rather, for NOT telling the girl that she was a buffoon and refused help.

She couldn't lead a horse to water if her hands were glued to the reigns. I can't stand her as a supervisor or co-worker, as a person she needs work but she's not bad. I just HATE working with her."

01:01 AM - Posted by Disgruntled